


The Heart of the Princess

by BelowBedlam



Category: Mononoke-hime | Princess Mononoke
Genre: Alternate Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Love, Requited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-25
Updated: 2015-03-25
Packaged: 2018-03-19 12:40:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3610449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BelowBedlam/pseuds/BelowBedlam
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A short piece delving into San's feelings as she and Ashitaka depart at the end of the film (slight Alternate Ending in that Ashitaka departs first instead of San).</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Heart of the Princess

She is heartbroken: while the grass around her is green with the promise of new, long life, her mask is cracked and her crown undone.

How can she love a man when her Mother is dead and her king fallen?

“I will visit you whenever I can,” he says as he mounts Yakul with goodbye in his eyes _. I love you, I love you, I love you_ , is what he says underneath, what he’d meant when he pulled her close to him as Shishigami’s head sat star-gazing in their hands. It is what she hears when they wake up in a field reborn; the echo of “I love you,” mingled with the ricocheted gunshot of a godly beheading.

It will never be the same. The Spirit may be everywhere but it will never again be standing _here_ or over there, sending flowers through entire life-cycles with the touch of its hoof or sending her Mother into eternal sleep with a kind, frightening smile. Her great body hitting the ground is a note San will sing by for the rest of her days.

Her skin is still damp with dew, grass still clinging to her hair when she lies to him: “I cannot forgive the humans what they’ve done,” and so she cannot be with him. In fact, it’s only half a lie: never will she get the image of Eboshi beheading her King from her mind, the greedy hands of the camouflaged men goaded on though death fell around them to carry Its head away for a profit. She imagines the men who sent the order waiting for— _salivating_ over—the head of a god. She may be able to forgive one day, when her heart has mended (because it will, this is what hearts are built to do), but she never will.

This is not why she cannot be with Ashitaka; she will never forgive them but she cannot reconcile him, either. This she does not say.

She loves Ashitaka but he is not like her. He expects for hope to sustain him, for faith to save him, for gods to intervene. This is why he leaves his village and travels so far. When does one hear of god-curses being cured?  He left his family for a journey to turn legend into blood and earth. She cannot live with a hope, she’s realized. The dreams in which he seeks solace ring hollow in her ears. When Moro was shot she did not plead for Shishigami’s mercy, to San’s horror. But her Mother passed into her time as the strong do; by the time the Spirit gives her sleep, it does not evoke sorrow from any of her children. And The Spirit himself did not run when Eboshi’s first shot missed. It was as it should be.

If Ashitaka died from his wounds her heart would be less heavy. She lies to him in the end because he would suffocate her in order to transform her. All for his hope. He could keep it. Her skin may be mortal but she was raised to consider eternity.

Yet when he leaves—when Yakul dips his head to her brothers and turns his great body around—she has to catch herself from calling him back. He will be near, she reminds herself. This will not be the last time I can take in his scent, read the poetry of kindness in his eyes. This is not the last time. He will be near.

“I will help them re-build Iron Town.” He says with a surety, with a vision in his mind of the future. _I will tell the new, infant Kodama of their Father._ She thinks with joy and sadness mingling at what that means.

“I will help them re-build Iron Town.” _I will bring the remaining gods together, on behalf of Moro, so that we may govern the forests afresh._

“I will help them re-build Iron Town.” _I will whisper to the trees you’ve saved to bless you, and wait for your visits on my mother’s mountain._

Her brothers draw nearer as his image fades in the distance. They nuzzle her as softly as wolf-gods can, and intone the peace of mind she needs to root her feet to the ground: _There is so much new life to fall in love with, who need our love. Look away._ They are delicate now. They are the heads of the clan. Responsibility softens their growl. She is still their princess, such a little princess. She mounts Oldest Brother and the tension in her body dissipates. Her choice is done; she lay her head in the soft down of her brother’s neck, soaking it with tears. For Moro. For the Great Forest Spirit, their Shishigami. For…

 _Ashitaka._ Yes, dead would be better. She already understands that mourning a memory will deal softer blows than that of blood and earth, of her King. But he was gone; the spirit of his spirit animated every living thing, but he was gone. Ashitaka would return. It broke her heart and lit up the pieces at the same time. She would wait for him, she knew, and she would always wait for him. She was raised to consider eternity but she is only human no matter how she fights against it. And so she leaves with comfort at the vain, biting, ridiculous promise of his. Him and his hope. Him and his love.

“You’re beautiful,” he’d said with the hole through his chest. I love you, he’d meant when they offered a corruption back the head of a king. In the end, his curse was lifted. Like the legends. Like the spill of blood. The Kodama click their heads and begin to sing, even the little ones who’ve just marked their mother trees. The forest is healthy; its blood runs clear. The little Princess disappears into the foliage with her mask in two halves on her lap, with her crown springing back to life from the root, with her human hope a small, safe, light in the recesses of her wieldy soul. She doesn’t worry about it burning out or burning wild because she cannot be with him and she will not be without him.

 He will always be near.


End file.
